Hey there friend,

I’ve made a couple of posts about this in the past here and here which may help as a starting place.

Coming out can be difficult, and I totally get having parent(s) who are non-accepting or actively homophobic. My father when I was younger would regularly call my lesbian neighbors “fruitloops”. I’ve known since I was about your age that I wasn’t straight. So, I’m actually still not out to my father. At least not explicitly. I don’t make it hidden (I go to pride with my friends, I advocate for LGBTQ rights, and make a point to talk about inclusivity in my day-to-day life), but that doesn’t mean I’ve ever had a proper sit-down with my father to come out to him. I’m 22 now, and I’ve come to terms with my sexual orientation being a non-topic around my dad. 

It was a difficult decision to come to because I’ve always felt this pressure from the media and our culture in general to come out. Like “if you’re really not ashamed of being LGBTQ, everyone should know”. But that’s not true. Not infrequently, coming out is dangerous. That danger could be physical if you live in a place that’s non-accepting, emotional if you might lose social support because of it, spiritual if perhaps your faith does not approve, or even financial because parents are the root of your financial stability. For me, I have a decent relationship with my father now that I’m older where it wasn’t so great when I was young. I felt I could express myself fully and truthfully in other aspects of my life to the point that coming out to my dad and (seemingly) unnecessarily complicating our relationship wasn’t in my best interest. There are many, many reasons to not come out and each one is legitimate. That being said, there are also many, many reasons to come out and each one is legitimate. 

I don’t mean this story about my father to be a deterrent to coming out to your parents so much as an encouragement to think about what coming out would mean for you and I hope you examine if coming out is safe for you whether it be physically, emotionally, financially, et cetera. In some cases, it is. In some cases, it’s not. 

As for just general recommendations for how to come out to people, I would recommend the following: do it in a comfortable, shared space so as to minimize the awkwardness (e.g. your living room, at dinner, etc.), keep a glass of water with you because it can help ease anxiety and taking a drink can give you another moment to think, and remember to breathe. I might also prepare yourself for questions. In my own coming out experiences, most people have questions especially if you come out as something a little more complicated/less “mainstream” than “gay”. Questions are natural, and show the person has an interest in understanding you.

As for your fear of your parents telling you it’s just a phase, unfortunately that is a risk. I had a friend in high school who came out to her parents freshman year as transgender, and they told her that. They put her in therapy, the whole nine-yards. She went to therapy (which I believe is good for any and everyone), and it helped her cope. Her parents had hoped it would help convince her it was a phase, but a counselor/therapist doesn’t have an agenda (or shouldn’t, ethically). It was a tense situation for a number of years, but my friend is still happily exactly who she knew she was and now that she’s an adult, her parents have come to be more tolerant. 

Another of my friends also came out to his parents as transgender in high school, but to this day don’t accept him as such. I met him in college, and the first time I ever met his parents I was on a trip to his home town. I slept over at his parents’ house and the next day, he ran downstairs to grab a soda or something and I was sitting with his father. His father turns to me and says, “We will never call her, [insert his chosen name]”. I was flabbergasted. But that’s just how his family works. They are still unaccepting even though he lives as a man and uses a different name than his birth name. He’s come to terms with that and still has a relationship with his parents. 

All in all, they’re your parents. If you think now is the right time to come out, do it. Just stay safe. This is just one part of you. You are still the exact same kid they know and love before and after coming out. 

I hope this helped and good luck! :)

If you or anyone else has any other questions, feel free to stop by my FAQ before you drop them in my askbox. :)